A Giant Leap For Mankind

To Musicians.

2009-08-12T19:13:00.002+01:00

Well, I'm back.
Cal will follow in due time, I'm sure, but for now, here's my most recent blog post. Lol.

I know it's been a long time, but it's like, me and cal that read this blog so I'm sure nobody was truly affected by that.

So; here we are.

I'd like to extend a greeting to musicians who aren't reading this blog. Well done to you for taking the initiative. Although you may not be as commercially successful as bands like Metro Station, be thankful you're not as shite. First off - the key thing to do is to write your own stuff. Never spend too long covering Master Of Puppets or you'll run out of patience for music. Trust me on this, the best way to do it is to write your own music before you're in a band. That way you've at least got stuff to start on as soon as you join a band.

Next up - Never, ever sing with an accent. That shit is getting old pretty quickly and I can't see any bands coming out now with an accent that would be tagged as the most original band on the scene. Secondly, find a singer who sings with passion. For metal bands this is easy - particularly if you've got screaming going on, it's not particularly difficult to hear screams that aren't angry. For everyone else, it's a matter of having a very good range and being able to hold a note (even if it wobbles) for ages.
Musically, don't be too fussy. And you don't have to be god's gift to guitar to make good music. As long as you have a few basic techniques under your belt and you can write good, catchy music it doesn't matter. Get a good bassist though, not enough bands have amazing bassists these days.
If you're in a metal band, never be afraid to be funny. In your 16 minute thrash odyssey, don't be afraid to throw in the occasional acoustic bluegrass section - it keeps your listeners keen, it's entertaining, and it gets fans in unusual places.

Take every opportunity you can to get your band heard. Even if it's a competition on blue peter, just send in a CD or whatever and get the attention. Take any possible gig, even if it's at your youth club. Fanbases always start among friends. Contact other bands in your area to see what's happening gig-wise, and even try to support them on gigs that they perform.

And guys this is the most important thing:

never sell out. seriously.

Dream Theater- Black Clouds & Silver Linings

2009-05-23T22:55:00.002+01:00

2009

Dream Theater's new album, Black Clouds and Silver Linings, was officially announced with the release of "A Rite Of Passage", a song, which quite frankly I didn't like at all. Nonetheless, I decided to humour it and give it another shot. I was proven wrong and the song made me happy. And so I heard about their album being leaked online. Although I intend to buy the album, I couldn't resist downloading it.
My first impressions:
A masterpiece.
Dream Theater's finest hour.
This being the band's 10th studio album, the Prog Rock group have gone all out for this. Strings, synths, you name it, they've got it. Brilliant album so far, "Wither" was a very powerful, serene track with a November Rain style solo amidst the powerful vocal performance of James LaBrie.
The Shattered Fortress provides a powerhouse metal track, starting much akin to Metallica's "Shortest Straw" from the album "...And Justice For All".

This album is metal as it should be:
Produced, Long, And Awesome.

The intrawebz

2009-05-19T20:52:00.002+01:00

I know it's been far far too long since I last posted, but such is life when your revising for the harest exams in the world.

To be honest, I'm just quickly nipping in here between revising, so I'm not going to say much. Instead I'm gonna give you a few videos that everyone should see on the internet. Enjoy.

Five Thousand Indians Being Blind

2009-05-15T21:31:00.003+01:00

Couldn't think of a title.
So I wrote the potential title of one of Scrooge Flu's interludes :)

I'm not really sure what I'm gonna waffle on about today, so I'm going to tell you about my week, I guess.

Started off well, I got up to a lovely sunny day on monday at about 10:30.
That's right, I'm on STUDY LEAVE bitchezzzzz.

So anyway. I got up, had some Frosties and apple juice, then did a touch of revising then got up and walked, in the lovely sun all the way to the Centra in front of school. I bought some Orange Sukie at the shop and continued to walk, behind some upper sixth girls in plain clothes. Which was cool.
So I sat down in the exam room. The air conditioning was working nicely, couldn't complain about anything.
I sat the Journalism at 1314, quarter of an hour earlier than intended. An hour later I walked out of the exam happy as could be. Patrick Lecky, a cohort of mine, and myself, dandered down to the metropolis they call Antrim. I took him to see the sights, such famous areas as the park. Then I went home and I think I probably went on the laptop. I spent tuesday on the laptop, and I spent wednesday at Starbucks, "Revising" my R.E.
Turns out I can't write that much about my week :)
So today, I revised, watched a couple of films. My mum got home and we went swimming, after all I'm getting fit. 10 Press ups on Wii Fit every day and that :)
Then we got home, and I watched Lie To Me, starring Tim Roth, which is like one of the coolest programs I've EVER seen.
Wow.
Check it out, please :)

Matt out. (I forgot to add that to my last couple of posts D=)

Rescue

2009-05-13T23:54:00.002+01:00

So it's left to me to rescue this blog and pray to God that people don't read that below and assume we're all so retarded (Matthew you know I love you this much) But I can't, nay I won't, let you reduce this blog to a place of ramblings!

So me and Scott were wondering earlier, while watching All The Guys Love Mandy Lane -which is fucking awesome might I add- why Tesco's Kick energy drink is fucking cheap. Like come on. You can get like 2 litres for just over £1; that's cheaper than most bottled water. What the Hell is in it that it can be cheaper than water, which is free! I'm a little worried about it cause me and Scott drink on average about 3 litres a week coupled with about 10 litres of BPM, I really am suprised we're not diabetic yet. I'm actually drinking another litre bottle as I write this.

Not really much new to report on. Got my exams in exactly 1 week and 2 days, and I have done next to no revision. If anyone out there knows a way to cram an entire first year of Biomedical Science into my head over night, I can promise to pay you; In litres and litres of Kick.

Once Upon A Time In The Folly (Full Version)

2009-05-13T10:40:00.002+01:00

Prepare yourself for literary genius.

Connor Artemius Favid Blair was angry. His state of inebriation had begun to fade off, after all it'd been a month since he'd had a sip of the drink.
"Givvus a quid for a drink" He murmured at me, peeing in his pants.
"'Ere maattteee, I dunno whit wurld yoor frawm, bit whair I come frum, drink's quite costy." I shouted at him, quite racistly.
As he started to cry, I took out a cheeseburger I'd been saving for a special occasion. His tears dried up instantly as he clapped his eyeballs onto the cheeseburger, which must've hurt a little bit.
He was about to "proppa lay in", as they say, to the cheeseburger, which he had affectionately named Gary. As he opened his human sized mouth, the cheeseburger vanished, into thin air.
"IS THIS MAGIC? DID I EAT THE CHEESEBURGER?" He demanded, tears streaming from his eyes once again.
"Naw pallll, some eejit's tekin it fram us" I kicked him. Connor spewed.
We began to give chase to the thief, but with no luck, as we didn't see him or have any idea where he was now. One assumption we made, that turned out to be most successful, was that he was indeed a he. As we thought, we decided to check the boy's toilets in the antrim forum, the fortress of our enemy. As we arrived safely, we saw the thief.
Part 2
Connor Blair stood over the fallen corpse of leper boy, his sworn enemy."I may have won the battle, but I have also won the war" Connor laughed"Not so fast" Howled the angry voice of Connor's ma, to whom I was well attracted."What are you doing here," Connor mumbled, "!" Connor withdrew his pen and drew an angry face on a piece of paper"YOU GOIN DOWN" He shouted, but he pronounced down like Daayouwun. It sounded pretty class. Then connor did a backflip into his ma, who punched him in the oesaphogus, but he was unphased. he did a triple arabesque backflip tuck roll which he turned into a falcon kick, which sent Connor's ma into the well. All the while, I was watching and feeling quite pleased with myself, as I'd farted. As the dust settled and connor approached his ma's final resting place, clearing his throat to say the speech he'd prepared, which was full of top gun quotes, irrelevant to the situation.As we approached the crater, and the theme music stopped playing, we saw that in fact, Connnor's mother had vanished.
Part 3
"NOOOOOOOO" I thought quite loudly.
Connor said what i was thinking so I kicked him in the nads.
As, by this point, the cheeseburger fiasco was forgotten, we decided to go and get some Pizzas, from Connor's kingdom, Dom and Mo's Pizza. At least I think it's called that. I'm not being funny but it tasted like what I would imagine connor's hands would taste like. So after we wolfed down some of the hand shaped pizzas attached to the end of connor's arms, we began to think. It was at this point Connor remarked that his hands were missing, and I realised that he had made a terrible mistake.
"FAR FAKS SACK" I shouted at him
"WHUT" I heard him fart as he said this.
"YOUVE LET THE WOULD-BE THIEF GET AWAY" I said, in a surprisingly normal accent.
"no chaaaaaaaaance" he said as if he was going down a long tunnel. Which he wasn't.
So anyway, by this point we'd figured out that Connor's ma was still alive, partially because we're really smart, and partially because she'd just landed from space and falcon punched connor in the head.
Connor stood up, got new hands, and socked his ma, right there, in the gullet. She stumbled back, matrix-style and then they started fighting again. Connor picked up a table and threw it full speed at his mum, which pinned her against a wall, knocking her unconscious. He sprinted towards her, ran the length of the table and began to punch her repeatedly. She came to and threw the table into the air, connor going with it. He hid on the back of the table as she sent a Hadouken fireball his way. The table shattered, giving Connor the upper hand, somehow. He plunged towards the ground, holding the proverbial X button. As he hit the ground, he punched it, which threw debris and his ma into the air. At this point I realised Connor couldn't fight worth a turd, so I walked over, got his ma in the groin, because we all know she has man bits, and she died. Just like that.
Suddenly all the windows shattered as we heard a shrill voice howl.
"MAAAAAATTTTHHHHEEEEWWWW!!!!"
We both fell to our knees as the sound was too high pitched, but we both realised then who was behind it all. Miss Boyd, in her Omega form, towered over the Folly and all of its citizens. We realised we had to save the Folly, or else the world would lose the majority of its population. So both of us did a really fast run into Parkhall, which, let's face it, nobody would really miss. Boydo swung a dig at Connor, to which Connor took offence, and that's not easy to make connor take a fence, I mean offence. Anyway, then he said his catch phrase, "EVERYBODY'S ANGRY", which to be honest I don't really get. Then he booted her right in the face with his fist, and she fell over, squashing a group of young mums.
THE END

Or is it?

Blarg

2009-05-11T15:21:00.003+01:00

I read far too many books; I'm on about 3 a week, or 1 every 2 days or so. Really I should have a head that's 3 times the current size, and so crammed full of literacy knowledge that I'm reduced to a blubbering idiot that tries to eat the next book instead of read it.

So, yeah. I read a lot. I have a floor to ceiling bookcase that's fit to bursting, and I've stashed collections of books all round the house so I don't have to get rid of any. I read mostly all genres and will read anything that is placed infront of me, as long as it's in English. Here are some of my favourite authors;

Walter Moers. My mum brought me his first book (The 13 And A Half Lives Of Captain Blue Bear) when I was 10 thinking it was a kids book. She was half right. Walter Moers is a genius with his writing. His books are written to look like they're made for children when really you can't appreciate them enough untill your an adult. When I first read the book as a kid I thought it was alright. Nothing special. When I read it again when I was like 17, it was amazing. I couldn't understand what kind of drugs I must have been on before because this book was the greatest thing in the world.
He's released 2 more books, and believe me none of them are short; they're all in the 800 - 1200 page range, but none of them will compare to the first. It was the beginning, and it was great. I will never forget that book and I've read it about 5 times and still find myself amazed with it.

Raymond E. Feist. He is my favourite author. I got his first every book, Magician, when I was going to Egypt and although it was 800 pages long, I had it read on the million hour flight over there and I was in love. I've had people tell me it's not an overly amazing book, and those people currently residing in Hospital with brain damage. I set out on a quest when I read that book, and it was to introduce as many people to this author as I could. I've done okay so far and got a whole load hooked in school before I left. I have every single one of his books every written (There are like 30) and they take pride of place in the front of my bookcase.

James Clemens. Can't remember how I got his books, but they just arrived one day and the next thing I knew I had everything he'd published. Funny story actually. A few months ago I read this amazing action/adventure/mystery book. It was awesome. The author was called James Rollins, and I went online and got all his other stuff. It was only a few weeks ago that I went onto Wiki to see what else he might have written that I missed and I found out that him and James Clemens are one and the same. Rollins is just a pen name for Clemens, which in turn is a pen name for Jim Czajkowski. The actual authors name. Not only does the guy have an awesome name, he's also a vet. A vet that is a better author than most of the people I've ever read. That's skill.

There are plenty of other authors that I love (Philip Kerr, Trudi Canavan, Frank Herbert, Stephen King) but none of them compare to those guys. They are true kings.

My Duty

2009-05-09T15:30:00.005+01:00

I feel like it is my duty to post this, since otherwise Cal will be a post ahead of me at all times. And I can't have that.

Dohohoho, no I cannot.

So here's mine:

LOVE.

I'm copying Cal a little bit, purely because it's to get even.

Numero Un

Connor "I'll Lick Your Crack Out For Fun" Blair

We met on one fateful thursday, my first day in Antrim Grammar School. He and I were at third base (In rounders of course) and he noted:

"I do not like it when people say "Catch it." it sounds like "Cat Shit". "

I lol'd

Then he said to me that to make people run faster he would ask them to go out with him.

Five years later he's still pretty much this gay. We've been pretty much brothers... Then fifth year dumped him and he had to repeat fourth year =o which kinda dented our friendship since he started hanging out with stupid immature gays :)

Still. If you could read our conversations you would not be able to decipher what they mean because we just sort of accidentally have euphemisms for like, everything.

He's gay as fuck and wants to lick me.

Deux.

Fear Factory

A metal band who nobody's heard of, I first clapped ears on Fear Factory around two years ago at an under 18s night at a metal club. Well, technically I'd heard their song "Invisible Wounds" but preceding that, I didn't know it was by them. So anyway, as the DJ played "Linchpin", I started making out with a complete stranger. Which was pretty much class. So then I asked the aforementioned Mister Blair if he knew what the song was, he told me it was by a band called "Fear Factory". I recognised the name but I'd never really listened to them. So I went home and downloaded it. Slowly, I began to download more of their stuff. Then my mate Jake got me the albums "Transgression", "Archetype" and "Concrete" for my birthday. They were all brilliant. Now, two years on, i'm probably their biggest fan and I do actually have every song they've done. Like, actually.

Trois.

I really struggled to think what I love as much as these two things, but finally... I came up with this:

Caramel Coffee Double Blended Frappuccino.

Yes, this warlock rules my life.

I don't think I've had anything different from starbucks in about a year. This thing is actually bliss in a plastic cup. It really depends on how well it's made, but I think that this is expertise in the beverage industry.

For the best one, go to the Starbucks near GameStop in Belfast. Bliss.

Quatre.

Scrooge Flu.

My band. We've been around now for about 6 months, we started off as just a pisstake, we were only going to do one song, "I Miss You"

Now, two rough-quality albums later, I think we're going to stick to this for a long time. We are a Christian Electro Rap Funk Barbershop Orchestra Quartet with three members, and we're going to tour the WORLD.

http://www.youtube.com/user/scroogeflu

OH. MY. GOD.

2009-05-07T18:25:00.003+01:00

I'm sorry.
I'm truly sorry.
I'M SORRY
I'm sorry
Sorry
So anyway.

I've been away, as you might have noticed. But I'm sorry, because my French Oral takes a slight priority over this blog for the time being.

I'm here today to talk to you about a band.
A band with a bloody cool name.
Mastodon.
I heard their song "Colony Of Birchmen" on Kerrang TV maybe a year ago. I loved it, but I thought it was really wierd so I didn't download.
Then my friend Kyle (SHOUT OUT 2 YA PALLL), in between irritating bursts of Mars Volta plugs, told me he liked Mastodon. So one lazy day on youtube, I looked up a song named "Oblivion" by the prog metal band.

I downloaded it.
Then I downloaded the surrounding album, "Crack The Skye".
Holy shit.

HO-LEE SHIT.

So here comes the review.

Crack The Skye (2009)
Mastodon's fourth studio album, following "Blood Mountain" in 2007, I think.
It's generally agreed that every Mastodon album has a completely different sound, and to be honest they've nailed it this time.
Previously their music has been characterised by fairly heavy vocals and outstanding riffs. This time around their foray into music has been much more Progressive. The vocals are much more ringy, less so a heavy attempt.
One of my main gripes with the album is actually its length. At just over 50 minutes, I felt like they could have gone into more detail with the album, and with only seven tracks, I was a tad disappointed. Although "The Czar", a ten minute epic, is probably the best use of ten minutes in my life, I felt like "The Last Baron" was another attempt at a long song, which just didn't do it for me, following in the footsteps of Czar. Divinations' banjo introduction is absolutely class. Oblivion though, is easily the standout track on the album, with an outstanding chorus and one of my favourite guitar solos of all time.
Every song is easily listenable, bar The Last baron, but maybe I just haven't given it enough time. This album has got me hooked on Mastodon and probably will for a long time.
9/10

Love

2009-05-03T23:50:00.003+01:00

Seeing as Matthew has forgotten our whole "We'll post every damn day whether we like it or not!" pact that we created and sealed in our blood, I'll be damned if my soul is going to Hell for not keeping up my end of the bargain.

So today I'd mention a few things that I love, in no order, because I can't be bothered with thinking.

Numero Uno
My car. Yes, I know. It's very, very gay and chavvy to say you love your car, but if I'm being blatantly honest with you, I adore my car. It's a Mazda 2 Sport. Obviously that isn't my actual car there, but that is the exact one I have. 'Down to a T' as they say. It's a great car. It's white. Chavvy as Hell, and it goes like Hell. I had a drag race with a DB9 the other day coming out of Belfast. I was winning for about the first 10 seconds, then got my ass handed to me. Still, I was winning.
Nothing beats easily roaring down the Motorway, or the back roads of Northern Ireland, with music blasting and your car full of your friends. Nothing will ever beat that. That is why I love my car.

Numbero Dos
I like Bikes. To be honest I love anything that goes fast. This Summer I will be getting bike lessons and will have a licence by the end of it, and all for one reason. This bike; A Kawasaki Ninja. How bad ass does that thing look? I work in a filling station and one day someone pulled up in that baby and I just fell in love. I never ever had any inclination to drive a bike. Suddenly I couldn't wait. I went home and started looking for used Ninja's. I'm telling you; she will be mine in a few months. I have it all planned out. Get my licence. Get the bike. Ride like Hell. I'm going to look good in leathers.

Numero Tres
Scott is a spastic. He also happens to be my best friend. I remember when we first met. We were both playing Xbox Live and a mutual friend brought me into a game. He called me Capn Calorie. We've been best friends since that point. He needs me, and I need him. We are pathetic when it comes to scary movies, but we still rent out 4 every week and still force ourselves to watch them. I was there the first time he got drunk. He's an okay guy I suppose.

:(

2009-05-02T18:13:00.004+01:00

The utterly unthinkable has happened. My Hard Drive died on me. Life cannot get anyworse unless I became this kids leotard.

500GB. Gone. You have no idea what's it's like to suddently turn on your computer to find you just lost the last 10 years worth of music, videos, games, downloads. EVERYTHING!

No more video editing. No more photoshop. No more comics. I actually hate my computer. Why oh why did it suddenly decide now, after fucking years of using the same hard drive, to commit suicide.
Well, life must go on. I'll order a new one later. Now I just have to begin the lenghty process of downloading another 500Gig of stuff... This could take a while.

Thought I'd leave you with a couple of things I found while surfing the web in misery today;

Survival Of The Fittest

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

And then this, the ultimate game;

A Brief Summary Of How Not To Die In A Zombie Apocalypse

2009-04-30T19:27:00.003+01:00

Everyone has a Zombie Plan. 99 Percent of people have one. Though they don't choose to admit it.

Okay, let's set some ground rules. Just so someone can't say

"LOL YOU MIGHT HAVE ZOMBIES WIF GUNZZZZZ !!!!11112222333445566778899000"

1. The Zombies are the cool kind. "Zoombies" in fact, a la 28 Days Later and Dawn Of the Dead (the West Side Edition).

2. Infection is spread in a similar manner to 28 Days Later. Pretty much any contact with Zombie Blood will infect you.

3. Infection happens in like 10 minutes tops.

4. EVERYWHERE IS ZOMBIE. Like, noone is still alive. So, nobody is coming to save you.

First off: Here's a thought for you.

The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks is your new bible

Step 1:

Get your Spotters.

Spotters are pretty much your best friends for the duration of the zombie apocalypse. It's best to choose people you trust with your genitals. You need someone who won't ditch you when the hordes are streaming towards you. The best spotters are those with experience with zombies (preferably having read the Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks) and people with reasonable build.

Step 2:
Have your fall back point ready and waiting.
Have the place in which you will live your last days on earth ready for when the Zombie apocalypse comes around. This means knowing the ways in and out, knowing how you're going to stay dark, how you're going to soundproof, how you're going to barricade.
The fallback point should be outside of a large population area as this will be where the zombie infestation will be at its fullest. Farmhouses and country villages are the ideals. I have mine: A friend's farm which has an impenetrable garage, with a full-on blast door. I'm SAFE.

Step 3:
Don't be scared to leave your house.
Especially if you're isolated, don't be reluctant to leave the house to gather supplies every now an again. There will be service stations out in the middle of nowhere where you can gather your supplies. Beware; in every building there could be a zombie. This is the most dangerous thing you can do, but pays dividends.

Step 4:
Know your enemy. When you've sat out a month, or year in the new Zombie world check out their patterns. Find out when they rest, (if they even do), how they react to sounds, how they move, how they sense things. This will give you an edge when you take it on the offensive. That leads us to the next point.

Step 5:
Reclaim the city.
This is the most crucial and difficult stage in any Survivor's CV, as it requires patience, diligence and intelligence. 1-2 years after the initial infection the zombies should begin to starve. When this occurs you will notice a lack of zombies and your supply trips will be safer. When this happens, you must be fully prepared to be over-run. Hopefully by this time you will have a decent vehicle of sorts to ward off the occasional infected. You need to fortify this vehicle, fill it with supplies (and ammo if you've got it) and bring it slowly into largely populated areas. Depending on the saturation of zombies you come across, start calling out in populated areas. The more fortunate yet less intelligent of us may have survived by locking themselves in their flats or whatever. Be prepared however, to deal with Lamoe's (Last Man On Earth). If I Am Legend (the book) has taught me anything, it's that when you think you're alone, you build up a natural reluctance to believe someone is truly human. Be prepared to be shot at- maybe even prepare a speech, because hell, those suckaz might never give up. BUT
These people in any case are a danger to the stability of your new world order.
END THEM.

Step 6:
Repopulate.
Secure a headquarters- Skyscrapers are ALWAYS good. Shopping Malls- NOT GOOD.
Gather as many survivors as you can. If possible, secure a broadcasting station, start broadcasting your message.

And there we have it.
A short 6 step solution to an undead problem.

Matt out.

>:3

2009-04-29T18:33:00.002+01:00

I am very much alive and have defeated the swine flu -on that note go here and laugh your ass off- so now I can get back to regular postings.

Nothing really, bam, on the forefront of my mind to talk about. So I'll just make a few quick notes that may someday save your life, so pay attention.

How to survive a monster/devil child/psyco killer attack

Rule No. 1. Everything, and oh boy do I mean everything, is a popential threat. Trust nothing. No one. Not even your own children. If your kid suddenly starts acting suspiciously, then kill it. Partner or loved one looking at you funny? Kill it. If you don't; well then your fucked.

Rule No. 2. Fire kills everything and is your greatest ally. I mean it. From this moment on constantly carry around some waterproof matches -lighters always have a tendency to run out when you most need them- and have some sort of flamable liquid to dose the aforementioned threat.

Rule No. 3. Rule 2 and 3 kind of go hand in hand; Burn everything. Your reactions will be what separates you and the corpse on the ground. Anything suspicious happening in the building you are currently in; Burn it to the ground, fast. No exploring. Just burn the fucker down. Better safe than sorry.

Rule No. 4. Decapitation is gold. Behead anything that tries to attack you, then carry the head around untill you can find something to burn it all with. Never ever leave your enemy with it's head still intact, or within grabbing distance. They tend to survive. If that's the case, then you won't survive.

Rule No. 5. Don't be black. If you are; well then your about to be the first person to get fucked in the ass sideways.

let's run through some very common scenarios just to see where people go wrong.

1. You've just moved into an old house in the middle of the country side for some quiet time. You start to notice that weird shit is going on; stains keep coming back onto the floor/wall. Doors keep opening or slamming shut.
What do you do? Explore the house, preferably in the middle of the night. While the power has gone out. With a flashlight.
Wrong. So fucking wrong.

What you do is get out at the first moment you notice any sort of paranormal shit and burn it to the ground. No time for anyone left inside. They're as good as dead anyway. Your only there to look after number one; Yourself.

2. You've gone to a friends house who has kids. You decide to bring your own brats along with you so they can play. While there you notice the children acting strange; They aren't talking or smiling. They keep grabbing for sharp implements and cry and fight when you drag them away.
What do you do? Nothing wrong here. Just children being annoying children. Ignore it and enjoy the stay.
Wrong again 'tard.

You have just ignored rules 1 to 4. At the first sign of anything being out of the ordinary you destroy it. In this case I suggest you dismember the children and burn them. You can always procreate more.

3. Your out driving around the country with your friends. You suddenly get a flat tyre in the middle of no where. A passer-by offers you a lift to the nearest town.
What do you do? He seems harmless. All of you hop into the truck and drive off into the distance towards the nearest town.
Never in a million years.

That flat tyre is the first indication that something isn't right. Your spidy sence should be tingling. No doubt your friends are in on this. Kill them all. Everyone, including the passer-by. Burn the bodies, keep the fire blazing till day time and then change the tyre by yourself and get the Hell outta there.

4. You've just had your home broken into my a machete wielding maniac. Your obviously smarter than the average person so you've managed to club him over the head and now your making your get away.
Obviously not smart enough bitch.

You just left a very real threat at your back, and why? Because he's unconscious? Even if he isn't faking it, how far do you seriously expect to get before he rams that machete up your ass? What you needed to do was take that knife of his while he was on the floor. Remove his head. Burn both in seperate locations so you didn't end up getting chassed by a very pissed off, and now on fire, bad guy, and then live in peace.

5. You go round to a friends house for a part... You realise your black.
What do you do? Kill yourself. Save everyone else the time.
Spot on for once.

Matt's Recommendations- April '09

2009-04-25T22:13:00.003+01:00

Since Cal got shafted by the long arm of 20th Century Fox, I thought I'd do a post.
I'm going to try and do this every month, depending on if I've actually been out enough to recommend things.

I'm going to recommend one of the following each month. (If I find more I'll add them too)

Film.
Game.
Band.

Film:
Into The Wild (2007)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Into_the_Wild_(film)
Into the Wild is the film we all wish we were in. Not because the good guy blows the face off some bad guy with a 9mm, but because it's just such a great concept. A rich boy graduates from college, then ditches all his ties to the civilised world: His credit cards, his money, his ID, and goes on the road. This is an excellent film based on a book based on a true story and it's just such an optimistic film. Although the outcome of the film is quite dire, the film in general is utter brilliance. By far the best indie film I've ever seen. The film Stars Speed Racer before he was famous, and the younger Darko sister.
If you haven't seen it, rent it out. If you don't have the money to rent it out, steal it.

Game:
Phase (iPod)
http://www.phasegame.com/
It may seem odd that the first game I recommend to you is an iPod game, but yes, it's true. I bought this game over the Christmas '08 period, when I got quite a lot of iTunes vouchers. Anyway. Phase is a genius game, made by the makers of the Guitar Hero idea, and the developers behind Rock Band. Playable on the 3rd generation iPod nano and upwards, the game is brilliant. You press the middle button and the two adjacent buttons to hit the notes, which appear on three separate "strings". The game has five difficulties- three to begin with, then as you complete "Marathon Mode" - A game where you play five songs in a row, getting progressively harder, you unlock Expert Mode, then Insane. Unless you have three index fingers/ thumbs, I do not recommend Insane Mode. I have yet to complete a song on it. The game works in two ways: Hit notes to collect stars. For each section of the song, displayed by a checkpoint, you are given a quota of stars you have to collect in the given section, then depending on how many stars you've missed, you lose that amount of hearts. You start off with three hearts. To get more hearts you merely have to get more Stars than you're supposed to. The best part about Phase, is the fact that when you are sick of the songs you're playing, you simply switch on your computer, flick onto iTunes, and add more songs to the "Phase Playlist". The game has infinite replayability as a result of this. It costs something like
£2.89 on the iTunes store.

Band:
Beirut
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDuDGjw86og
While not so much a Band as a single man, Beirut provide what I've been looking for musically for a long time:
Standout, interesting vocals that still prove a plethora of talent, and an interesting musical twist.
Beirut is defined as "Folk", but he also uses aspects of electro and the such. The aforementioned video, above, is "My Night With The Prostitute From Marseilles", my favourite song by Beirut. It's like the happiest friggin song I've ever heard ever. Somehow, in the song, you get every level of happiness listening to the song. Many people disagree with that but whatever. In the chorus, our man "Beirut" sings, but has put a lower pitch version of his vocals underneath that, which backs up the nice vocal style. It's truly brilliant.
Look for him
Listen to him
Love him

Matt out.

Nothing. Not even time

2009-04-25T21:04:00.002+01:00

I know it's been 4 very long days since either of us have posted. This is because I have nothing to talk about. Absolutely nothing. I'm very sick, I've been working tonnes, and I have to start Uni after this weekend.

I promise something big after. Untill then enjoy this;

Time Travel

2009-04-21T20:18:00.003+01:00

Let's face it. We've all thought about it.

Would you go back and pick the blue pill? Would you stop yourself from answering the phone that fateful day?

But in my opinion the possibilities for time travel have not been exploited to their full potential.

I mean, you could go back to '79 and fix Return of the Jedi, hell you could even stop The Phantom Menace from ever being born!

You could go back to the '40s and stop Hitler in his tracks.

Me?

Wow, I've got so many ideas. Personally I prefer the idea that I'd have the control over time much like our Asian enigma up there. Then, I could stop time, walk into the shop and take some food. Sure, the morality of the exercise evades me, but still.

Another thing:

This is a recent idea I've had, but when I formulate this properly, (and the small matter of time travel becoming possible) it'll be flawless.

I am going to go back in time, and pretend to be Jesus.

That's right folks, you read correctly. Think about it: it all explains away easily if it were true. Jesus heals people of Leprosy, which in a future where time travel is possible, could be cured by a simple pill. When you think about it, these stories are thousands of years old, who's to say they haven't been Chinese Whispered a little bit? And for curing blindness, well, maybe it was just a Stooge placed there by the time-travelling genius. Turning water into wine? Well, it's possible that back then Wine was just grape juice, with no alcohol, so it could well just be diluted Grape squash. Ha HA!

So, I'm going to do it, but I'll need stooges.

I was thinking I'd hit up a couple hundred years B.C, give them some massive technological advances. Sure, I'd maybe cease to exist, but GENUINELY, I think it'd be worth it to make Human kind more advanced in '09.

AND, I'd warn us about Global Warming.

I'm hitting these ideas out as I'm writing...

Matt Out.

PostSecret

2009-04-19T15:26:00.002+01:00

Matt can sit there and talk about his goals in life, but I am going to tell you a goal I have right now; I want you to return to this Blog.
We are going to aim to update this blog every damn day untill one of us dies. It's a binding contract we have. To motivate us to do that I only ask one thing; that you return. Go ahead and bookmark the site now, only takes one click and I can wait.

So, now how the Hell are we going to keep you coming back for more. I can't think of anything special. All I can do is write about what ever is on my mind, but it will be different everyday, that I promise you. It won't be like crack, but it'll be close.

Now have you ever heard of PostSecret? If not click that link. If you have, click that link anyway and refresh yourself with it. PostSecret is a site, or a thing, that you send anonymous postcards to with a secret you want to share. It can be anything. It's pretty popular, and you really learn a lot about people when you go and have a look. I would recommend you do so now. I'll still be here when you come back...

Okay, so you know that nice warm feeling you have inside you now? That's the feeling of knowing that your not alone. It's nice. The site is like this, a blog, and it's updated every few days, however you can't view old posts because they want you to keep coming back. You can however buy a couple of their books which have the best of the PostSecrets in them. I have one of the books. It's amazing. Again it's something I would recommend.

Now another litte something to end with.

When I Grow Up...

2009-04-18T18:11:00.003+01:00

I want to be rich, I wanna be famous, I want fake boobies.

After recieving a prospectus from the Metfilm School in London this morning, i've been given something to strive for, and actually work towards my exams.
I've been kinda sketchy about the career I've wanted for a while, but the something that I've always enjoyed was films. And about two years ago I was struck by the obvious: I should be doing film.
I've written stories since I was about 6, and although my more recent ones hold more depth than "Me and Ryan played James Bond", I still write. So I figure, I'd be good as a screenwriter.

Not that I haven't considered the usual, I did for a while want to be a Doctor, hell, I also wanted to be a palaeontologist, but the fact it wasn't even in the French dictionary posed me too big of an issue, so I dropped that idea. Also the fact dinosaurs died like 65,000,000 years ago (that's a ballpark figure but I could give you a much more precise figure. I was obsessed.)

It's not that I'm selfish or anything, it's not like, "Naw, I'd never be a doctor, I hate human contact", or anything like that, but I want to make a mark on the world. And when you think about the name of a famous Doctor you know, it's probably just your GP that you think of. But when you consider film writers/directors, many names come up: Spielberg, Lucas, Tarantino, to name a few.
I want to be mentioned in someone's Spanish Coursework. Okay, maybe Spanish is a bit of a push, considering I'm not even Spanish, but you know what I mean. I want to be remembered.
Plus, it's not like Directors don't help people. I mean, when you're depressed, when things are looking down, you don't go to the Doctor and ask for a diagnosis. You listen to music, or you watch a film.

(Sorry for bashing the medical profession so much, Cal)

Matt out.

Baron Von Vader Ham

2009-04-16T10:52:00.002+01:00

You know what I did yesterday? I cried. Do you know why I cried? Because my fucking computer decided it wanted to take a spastic attack.

So the story goes; I got up pretty early. Switched my computer on, like I do every morning, and then went downstairs to get something to eat - Which turned out to be reheated pizza from the night before. When I'd managed to drag myself back upstairs again and sit infront of my computer I was greeted with this...

No. Fucking. Way!

For most people this would be pretty tragic, but it wouldn't mean more than taking it to the repair shop and getting it fixed. Not me. To my friends and family I am that repair guy. I made my computer; from scratch. I spent months ordering the parts, assembling them. There is more of my fucking blood in there than anything else. It was working fine last night. There is no plausible reason for it to suddenly decide it wanted to commit suicide. I went through all 5 stages of loss.

Denial. I refused to believe what had happened. I told myself it was okay. I turned it off. Walked out the room. Came back and tried switching it on again. No luck. Ah crap.

Anger. I may have slapped my computer around at this point, 'Why aren't you fucking working you piece of crap!' was heard screamed from my room.

Bargaining. I actually tried to barter with the big G man himself. I begged him to get it working in exchange with me going to church. I was deathly serious.

Depression. At this point I had literally taken my computer apart and put it back together again; twice. Ever wire was checked. Every component de-dusted. It still wouldn't work. This is when I finally started to tear up. I had spent the last 6 months fine tuning this machine. Every day I'd change something to make it faster. Better. It was so suited to me. I had my life on this computer. It was quite literally the end of the world.

Acceptance. 4 hours later my computer was pronounced dead. I may as well start switching parts out with my other computer to see which one was the problem and then burn it in holy fire before the rest of them caught the disease. I'd come to terms with my loss, but I didn't want it to go alone. I turned it on one last time to say my good byes, and to my wonder...

IT LIVES!

I don't know what happened. It was by all intents and purposes a miracle. I've never known joy like it. I'm going to treat this old girl with respect from now on because she is obviously alive and watching my every move. This was a test. A test of love from a computer to her owner.

Now I leave you with this for all you Starwars fans out there.

Games.

2009-04-14T20:36:00.004+01:00

Well, I'm big into games. Like, massive.
I'm chiefly a FPS player, my favourites being Battlefield: Bad Company and Halo 3. I'm also big into RTS titles, like Tom Clancy's Endwar and Halo Wars.
Obviously you can see an overarching theme in my gaming preferences, but it's explainable.
Halo as a franchise is massive to me, because when I was 12 or 13, I bought the Halo: The Flood book by William C Dietz, unaware of the actual game Halo. Reading the book, which also got me into more military fiction authors like Robert Ludlum and Lee Child, I fell in love with Halo's plot. To date, I have every Halo canon novel released. I've skimped on the graphic novels and such because I find them too shallow to really grasp the scale of Halo. My favourite of the Halo books is Ghosts Of Onyx by Eric Nylund. It is the last book in the series chronologically and it details the story of the Spartan-II, Kurt, a member of the famous Master Chief's old squad, who is mysteriously kidnapped to lead a legion of new Spartans, the Spartan-IIIs, without the legendary green armour. The story details the doomed legion and goes deep into the story of the forerunners. I'd love to see a sequel ot it.

Anyway, back to games.
The most exciting games for me at the moment are Prototype, Mass Effect 2 and Assassin's Creed 2.
Prototype looks exactly like the kind of game that will be globally disliked, but I'll adore it, because it'll be stupidly easy to kill things and wander about breaking things. It may prove a disappointment, but it seems at this point to be unlikely. A Demo would not go amiss.
Mass Effect is probably the best game of 2008; although it wasn't released in '08, it was the primary game I played and had such an excellent style of play similar to Bioware's Knights Of The Old Republic titles, which were about the only RPGs I would play. Mass Effect 2's teaser trailer had me wetting my Captain America underwear in excitement, purely because I know there's more to it than meets the eye. If the pace doesn't let up from the last game, Mass Effect 2 will easily dwarf any game, ever. Co-op wouldn't go amiss
Assassin's Creed was again one of my favourite titles on the X360. A lot of people lost interest in it quickly because it was so repetitive, but to be honest I think it's damn near impossible to a game to be repetitive when it's on the scale of Creed. It was almost as fun to walk along the streets of Damascus just to look damn cool as it was to sprint around the city slaughtering every soldier you could. A sequel, set in freakin' Venice, will be 100% win, and I really, really can't wait.
Modern Warfare 2, also known as Call Of Duty 6, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2, Call Of Duty 4.5, Call of Duty 6: Modern Warfare 2, looks decent but if it's anything like its predecessor it'll be chock full of assholes on the online servers, and will be decreased in enjoyment unless there is a way to form a squad like in World At War.

Matt Out.

Ah crap...

2009-04-12T18:12:00.002+01:00

I know. I am terrible when it comes to schedules and I may have fogotten to post in the past couple of days, but to show my commitment to this whole thing and prove I'm not a failure, see all that text right there in Red? Including this lot? Well the reason it is red is because I am currently writing it. On my iPod. While on the toilet. That's right people. Blogging from the bog. That's serious commitment if I ever heard it...

Okay I'm back to my computer; and I get greeted by the new Coldplay album. No fucking way, I like my life. Skip please. Ahaha. MGMT. Much better.

I actually have something to talk about today - shock horror. It's this little thing called bookcrossing.
It's not as crap as it sounds, so let me explain. So your sitting down on the train. You spot a book just laying in the seat opposite you. Has a "Free Book!" post-it stuck to it. So you pick it up and start reading. Inside the front cover you see something like this...

What does that mean? Well you've just picked up a book left behind by someone else for the sole purpose of you finding it. Bookcrossing is a community of people all over the world that leave books behind with these little stickers, and a little personal message in them. Just so they can share them, and see how to travel; And oh boy do some of them travel. One book is documentated at moving from 384 different locations all over Europe. I know one of mine is in Canada -probably because I sent it there- but that's beside the point. The goal is that you give an awesome book that you really enjoyed to another person for them to enjoy, and this way you can track where it goes, and who's life it has entered.

Granted not everyone bothers going online and registering that they found the book, but that only takes away half of the fun. You still know they're reading it.
My favourite author is Raymond E. Feist. I read one of his books whem I was about 13, and I liked it so much that I set out on a quest to get as many people interested in him as possible. In school I managed to get about 10 people reading him, and being just as obsessed with him as me, just because I loaned them a book. That was just with an audience of a few people. Now my audience has just opened up to the rest of the world and I intend to keep going.

I have a shed load of books, I could probably start my own library, and I have put aside a pile of about 25 beside me that I have read again, and again, and again and now I intend to send them off. I get the train everyday to Uni, so I'll leave some there. I walk through the busiest Hospital in the country to get to class. I'll leave some there. And I go to the biggest university in the country. I'll leave some there.
Some people out there are about to get the best gift of thier lives soon.

A Thought or Two.

2009-04-11T18:07:00.002+01:00

After seeing a man with a stepladder and bible, and feeling the urge to shout at him "God doesn't exist," I'm led to wonder:
How on earth is it possible for human beings to be so different?
I'm not complaining, I'm just curious. What makes human beings want to lead such different beliefs and lives?
It must be something deep rooted into our genes, because every human being, or close enough, has a different walk, different inflections on words, and hundreds of other different variations on the way they act & react...
Interesting.

Also.... Perception.
This thought's been on my mind since the beginning of TIME.
So, we all percieve the same things: Red is red, blue is blue, big is big
But what's to say we all percieve "Red" as the same thing?
What if colour to someone appears as texture?
We'd never know because we're told that things are the same. It's quite difficult to word this as I can't myself really express this idea.
We might not even necessarily percieve size and distance similarly? I guess sound is a similar thing. That explains why people with photographic memory are able to so clearly remember things, because their perception of something is better.

Matt out.

Number Two!

2009-04-09T11:18:00.001+01:00

Now that you're acquainted with the in-house cheerleader, Cal, I'll introduce my own good self. That's me over there, it's the only picture of myself I have, it's about a year old, but there you go.

I'm Matt, you're almost certainly unfamiliar with me. Known for such catchphrases as "Oh it's the best song ever" and "Yeah it's probably my favourite song ever." I'm quite the film buff too, although that isn't to say that films will be the sole flavour of this blog. It just happened to come around that I watched the Coen Brothers' 2007 film "No Country For Old Men" yesterday.

The film wastes no time in getting straight into the thick of it. It follows the exploits of Llewellyn Moss (Josh Brolin), the handlebar-moustached 'Nam veteran who stumbles upon a massacre site of Mexican drug dealers. After following a trail for several hours, he finds the "Ultimo Hombre" resting against a tree: $20 Million in a brief case.

Moss makes off with the money, as well as the man's shiny gun. Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) is an amoral assassin, who is tasked to find and retrieve the money. Throughout the film he just kills and kills. Both men are followed by Sherriff Ed Tom Bell (Tommy Lee Jones) who is always just two steps behind them.

This is one of the most tense and stressful films I've ever seen, but it's excellent.

The Coen brothers have made a masterpiece in this film, I enjoyed it from start to finish. In fact, I'd argue I knew it was going to be great the moment I saw Brolin's moustache. Although the ending left me feeling a bit empty and confused, I adored this film and I would definitely give it 10/10. The film does not have any narrative conveniences, and everything that happens seems to flow naturally. The film avoids all cliches, and the film reaches its tense pinnacle when Chigurh visits a petrol station, and after a worrying conversation with the attendant, simply says:

"What's the most you've ever lost in a coin toss?"

Matt out.

Hello, and Welcome.

2009-04-08T12:29:00.000+01:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. I'd like to welcome you, and also congratulate you, on stumbling upon this marvel that is A Giant Leap For Mankind.

Now before we get too worked up in all this, I think it best to introduce myself. My Name is Cal. No it's not short for anything. Yes, that is my handsome self right there - Ladies I'll be taking numbers after the show.

I'd prefer not to say much about myself right now. Just to say that I'm going to be one of your resident DJ's and I'm sure you'll come to know and love me soon enough.

First inpressions are always so important, so I'm a little undecided how I'm going to win over this audience with a first post, so I think I'll just have a little chat about something that's impressed me recently. That thing is Monsters Vs Aliens. Now if you are unlucky enough to be one of these chaps that think, "Oh it's just a kids film. I don't need to go see it because I'm an adult," well I'm afraid that now your going to have to take yourself over to that corner over there and beat yourself over the head with the baseball bat provided untill you come to your sences.

Monsters Vs Aliens may possibly be the best (animated) film I have ever seen in my glorious life. It is fantastic. The voice acting is superb, and My God do they have some great actors. Seth Rogan will have you in tears with laughter throughout. Jesus may aswell hang up his toga cause Hugh Laurie is the new son of God. Kiefer Sutherland, otherwise known as Jack-Fucking-Bauer from 24, played his part so well I almost forgot he normally eats terrorists for breakfast. They've also got Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, and Renée Zellweger. To be honest it's an awesome line up.
The jokes are funny, the dialogue is great, and the fact that it is in 3D just clinches the deal. If you haven't seen it, go and see it. If you don't think you need to see it, then you obviously haven't been hitting yourself hard enough.