>:3

I am very much alive and have defeated the swine flu -on that note go here and laugh your ass off- so now I can get back to regular postings.

Nothing really, bam, on the forefront of my mind to talk about. So I'll just make a few quick notes that may someday save your life, so pay attention.



How to survive a monster/devil child/psyco killer attack

Rule No. 1. Everything, and oh boy do I mean everything, is a popential threat. Trust nothing. No one. Not even your own children. If your kid suddenly starts acting suspiciously, then kill it. Partner or loved one looking at you funny? Kill it. If you don't; well then your fucked.

Rule No. 2. Fire kills everything and is your greatest ally. I mean it. From this moment on constantly carry around some waterproof matches -lighters always have a tendency to run out when you most need them- and have some sort of flamable liquid to dose the aforementioned threat.

Rule No. 3. Rule 2 and 3 kind of go hand in hand; Burn everything. Your reactions will be what separates you and the corpse on the ground. Anything suspicious happening in the building you are currently in; Burn it to the ground, fast. No exploring. Just burn the fucker down. Better safe than sorry.

Rule No. 4. Decapitation is gold. Behead anything that tries to attack you, then carry the head around untill you can find something to burn it all with. Never ever leave your enemy with it's head still intact, or within grabbing distance. They tend to survive. If that's the case, then you won't survive.

Rule No. 5. Don't be black. If you are; well then your about to be the first person to get fucked in the ass sideways.

let's run through some very common scenarios just to see where people go wrong.

1. You've just moved into an old house in the middle of the country side for some quiet time. You start to notice that weird shit is going on; stains keep coming back onto the floor/wall. Doors keep opening or slamming shut.
What do you do? Explore the house, preferably in the middle of the night. While the power has gone out. With a flashlight.
Wrong. So fucking wrong.

What you do is get out at the first moment you notice any sort of paranormal shit and burn it to the ground. No time for anyone left inside. They're as good as dead anyway. Your only there to look after number one; Yourself.

2. You've gone to a friends house who has kids. You decide to bring your own brats along with you so they can play. While there you notice the children acting strange; They aren't talking or smiling. They keep grabbing for sharp implements and cry and fight when you drag them away.
What do you do? Nothing wrong here. Just children being annoying children. Ignore it and enjoy the stay.
Wrong again 'tard.

You have just ignored rules 1 to 4. At the first sign of anything being out of the ordinary you destroy it. In this case I suggest you dismember the children and burn them. You can always procreate more.

3. Your out driving around the country with your friends. You suddenly get a flat tyre in the middle of no where. A passer-by offers you a lift to the nearest town.
What do you do? He seems harmless. All of you hop into the truck and drive off into the distance towards the nearest town.
Never in a million years.

That flat tyre is the first indication that something isn't right. Your spidy sence should be tingling. No doubt your friends are in on this. Kill them all. Everyone, including the passer-by. Burn the bodies, keep the fire blazing till day time and then change the tyre by yourself and get the Hell outta there.

4. You've just had your home broken into my a machete wielding maniac. Your obviously smarter than the average person so you've managed to club him over the head and now your making your get away.
Obviously not smart enough bitch.

You just left a very real threat at your back, and why? Because he's unconscious? Even if he isn't faking it, how far do you seriously expect to get before he rams that machete up your ass? What you needed to do was take that knife of his while he was on the floor. Remove his head. Burn both in seperate locations so you didn't end up getting chassed by a very pissed off, and now on fire, bad guy, and then live in peace.

5. You go round to a friends house for a part... You realise your black.
What do you do? Kill yourself. Save everyone else the time.
Spot on for once.